Change

Change is good. That's what people say. But those people don't know about change with cancer.

When there's change with cancer, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Today it's not.

We found out today that Mom's cancer has metastasized and is now in her colon. I still can't wrap my brain around it. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I didn't cry. I should have. I feel like it's not me in my body. I know it is though because it feels like there's someone stepping on my chest. That's anxiety. And stress. Funny thing is about those two things-when I feel like I'm not stressed, that's usually when I am stressed! It plays tricks.

It's hard being the only one. I know it's hard for my dad. It's the hardest for my mom. She's the fighter. She has the pain. She has the stress. She has the fatigue. Not me.

That's what I have to remember through all of this. If I play the woe is me card, I just have to think about my mom. She NEVER plays that card. Ever. She's strong. I want to be like her. Strong.

But change is hard. Especially when it's about f#!*ing cancer.

Expect the Unexpected

It's a phrase we've all heard before...expect the unexpected. Sometimes it means something good will happen or come to you. Other times, not so much.

Like today.

When I got to work.

And found out that one of our students had died this weekend.

That's certainly unexpected. And not the good unexpected. The unimaginable unexpected. That's what that is.

I know the family a bit. I did gymnastics with the mom way back in the day. I was stuck at her house the night of the Halloween Blizzard. But after gymnastics we lost touch. One day our family was grabbing some pizza and I ran into the mom at the restaurant. She was there with her sweet family and her kids who weren't old enough for school. Then I found out they would be at the school I teach at. Lucky me! Fingers crossed I would be able to have one of her children in my class. Not to be, but I still see her lots through the year.

And then today. I had just seen her daughter playing soccer on Saturday. I talked to the mom. I talked with the grandma. And then yesterday happened. And she isn't here anymore.

It was a boating accident. Carbon monoxide poisoning. We boat. We love the lake. That would never cross my mind. Drowning-maybe. A crowded lake and a boat crash-highly unlikely but possible. But this? Never.

It's the unexpected.

I feel so for the family. I have been praying all day long, it seems. I'm not sure what I can or should pray for, but peace and comfort, which all seems impossible right now.

The unexpected certainly puts things into perspective. Unfortunately. It makes you hug your kids tighter. It makes you want to be around them longer. It makes the early bedtimes and the raising of voices seem like they don't matter. Unfortunately. But all of those extra hugs and deep breaths that come in being a parent are things I will do today.

Expect the unexpected.

Waiting for the Fast Pass time

Here I am, waiting. I really wish I was sleeping. It was that kind of day. The kind that makes you think, "Surely it's Friday!" But no. It's only Wednesday.

I'm waiting on Disney. Yes, I'm the crazy one, among thousands of crazy ones, waiting to book my Fast Passes online tonight. Disney's website says midnight, but that's eastern time. So really, I only have 26 more minutes to go. I thought, why not put it to good use!

We are so lucky to be heading to Disney again. I love Disney. My kids do too. I think secretly J does as well, though he won't really admit it. He does love Epcot and Hollywood Studios. I think it's because those aren't quite as thematic as the Magic Kingdom. We are headed there for 1 day. Yes, only one. We weren't even supposed to be going, but thanks to a silent auction, we are! The trip really centers around heading to my uncle's house at the beach. THAT will be relaxing. This will be exhausting, but so worth it.

A, C & I sat around the computer tonight making a list of the top 3 rides at each park we are going to:

Hollywood Studios:
Toy Story Mania
Rockin' Roller Coaster
Tower of Terror

Epcot:
Soarin'
Test Track
…I'm secretly excited about the countries. They'll be able to appreciate them a bit more now that they're 4 years older from the last time we went. And J has already said that's where we will find a good spot to sit down for lunch.

Magic Kingdom:
Haunted Mansion
Space Mountain
Snow White mine ride
Pirates of the Caribbean

I think we have a pretty good list going! The best part is, they would be completely satisfied if we went on these rides and nothing else. I love thinking about their reactions when they go on these rides. For the most part, these will all be new to them since they're taller. They've been talking about the Rockin' Roller Coaster and the Tower of Terror the most.

We are so so lucky to have the means to do these things with our kids. I feel so grateful to have things like this trip to look forward to! Even if it means visiting Disney for only one day!