Change

Change is good. That's what people say. But those people don't know about change with cancer.

When there's change with cancer, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Today it's not.

We found out today that Mom's cancer has metastasized and is now in her colon. I still can't wrap my brain around it. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I didn't cry. I should have. I feel like it's not me in my body. I know it is though because it feels like there's someone stepping on my chest. That's anxiety. And stress. Funny thing is about those two things-when I feel like I'm not stressed, that's usually when I am stressed! It plays tricks.

It's hard being the only one. I know it's hard for my dad. It's the hardest for my mom. She's the fighter. She has the pain. She has the stress. She has the fatigue. Not me.

That's what I have to remember through all of this. If I play the woe is me card, I just have to think about my mom. She NEVER plays that card. Ever. She's strong. I want to be like her. Strong.

But change is hard. Especially when it's about f#!*ing cancer.